Saturday, October 20, 2012

:S

A long time really... and although there has been a whirlwind of half formed posts in the mind, nothing ever materialized as you can see here. The reason? (shrug) Confusion, lot of confusion and some loose end threads that get so much entangled as I try to pick them, that my 'thought- arms' have begun to ache.

I tell you, never try to go back and settle in a place that you left behind twenty years ago, its not just merely going back into time machine; its more like taking endless rounds in a nightmare machine. You come across faces which somehow seem to represent Time and its excruciating lapse a palpable experience. A surrealistic change materialized, more presentational than representational...

Every day, I come across faces, faces that I have seen and known in the past, faces that had seemingly disappeared from memory, but had actually gone to settle in some limbo of this devil mind ( yes folks, mind is a devil really, but I would have to deal with that subject in another post (psst...remind me later)) so that they could actually raise their head in the future in teasing disturbing fragmented figments.

Now, the problem is not the faces really, as is the struggle to recollect. When faces seem familiar, and you try hard to recognize and can't, you start feeling panicky, you feel that both your sight and memory have started failing . The very sense of familiarity without a name, or the partial recovery of the past ('concretized-as-faces') adds to the torment of nostalgia. Shades of skepticism about the self creep in and you start hoping that they do not become shadows...

Sometimes the failure to recollect threaten to extend so infinitely, that you feel that you have entered a ghost valley of eternal silence. They all pass in front of our eyes, so quickly, one after another, that before you can clearly 'visualize' one, the next has already replaced and stepped in. Its a sea of flow, not just a few.

People have really not moved out of this place it seems. " Kooein ke meindak"( frogs of a well) we would call such a motley crowd in my language ; the ones that have never been or have desire to be out there to see that there is another vast world beyond their ghetto.

Crap!

See where the frustration leads to!? You start blaming the people (read faces) for your own memory failure! What  does one do in such a situation, save seeking consolations like blaming the corporeal decay factor of the 'familiar - unfamiliar'?


8 comments :

Peter Olson said...

Obviously things have happened in your life, changes, more or less welcome… I trust it’s now your decision to be back again in the blogging world – hopefully regularly - and I take this as a very positive sign! I remember with such delight your frequent and wonderful posts!

G-Man said...

(((((MONIQUE)))))

Brian Miller said...

haha tonight i am at my parents house and went to the football game at the school where i went when i was young...saw a few people from when i went there....dang they look old...smiles....and there were faces i thought i knew but...so i know what you are saying for sure...smiles.

the walking man said...

Mona, I have it seems never left though I am certain I did, I have the many road rash scars to prove to me that I have.

I now just have people believeing that I don't remember names is all, and when they tell me their names and stories of things we experienced together I truly have to pretend I remember.

Crap!

The mind is like that forgetting what was, to see what is, and never being merciful in the distance between the two. That i think of as the problem of walking alone, your memories of them who trudged for a time with you are pretty far back on your road that you already have gone past that they do not know anything but the memory of a day or a week while you have a whole life time to keep in your mind.

lime said...

oh i can understand. just trying to come back after a little over a year of being in a different country was hard. my family has lived in the same area for 300 years. frogs in a well indeed.

hugs, mona.

jodi said...

Mona-forgive yourself. We all fail at some things as time passes. It's natural-but frustrating. We are all in the very same boat. I am go happy to have you back to touch base with.

Mona said...

Peter, Changes of any kind ruffle a lot of feathers, but bring in a lot of opportunities too. I hope to be around as much as I possibly can, yes :)

(((G-Man)))

Brian, truly, I think I can empathize with Rip Van Winkle now :)

Mark, I can truly relate there! Being the season of 'turning the negative to positive' in India ( What we call Navratris, or the nine nights) I guess I should think positive with the example, that if memory was to last wholly, then mankind would have been near extinction! ( no woman would have gone through childbirth, after the first time :D )

((Lime)), Its really hard to relocate, and harder still to get back to where you had been earlier...

Jodi, it is consoling to hear that I am not alone there...:)

ivan said...

You have exactly articulated my feeling state as I return to the Newmarket, Ontario of 2013, after seeming to have lived all this time, in my own head, back in the Newmarket of 1985.
I expected stale coffee cups and spiderwebs, but no. Blockbusting skyscrapers and all the old guys and dolls either withered or dead.
Egad.